I’ve worked at a ketamine clinic for four years now, and have used the treatment for my own healing several times; however, I had never before experienced the glamorized ‘ego death,’ which occurs when all sense of self is temporarily lost or forgotten, leading to a feeling of nonduality (total lack of separation from anything else). Recently, however, I finally did. Here’s my attempt at describing the experience.
In my first ketamine-assisted therapy training in 2020, one of my trainers, Genesee Herzberg, said something I’ve quoted many times when talking about psychedelics:
some people need solvent, and some need glue
What she meant is that some people come to therapy with guards up, uncertain how to let people in or let emotions out; others come in like a gaping wound, with emotions bleeding uncontrollably, boundaries fluid at best. Those in the former camp need solvent to gently relax the guards so they can open up to their emotions; the latter need glue to bolster support so they can hold their emotions without being overwhelmed by them.
Since I’ve been working with psychedelics, I’ve often encountered people who believe they know ‘the best way’ to do mushrooms/LSD/MDMA/etc. But, just like with all therapy, there’s no one right way. Every person is different, and every experience must be tailored to that individual and their intentions for the experience. That will determine the type of medicine, dosage, setting, procedure, preparation, and integration afterwards. Having a one-size-fits-all method collapses our complexity into a reductionistic model that ultimately ends up serving only those who happen to fit the mold.
Although also reductionistic, seeing through the lens that people either need solvent or wax begins the process of discerning what type and dosage of psychedelic to use, and the set (mindset) & setting (environment) that might best accommodate them. Returning to the glorified ‘ego death,’ we can use this frame to posit which people might benefit most from this type of experience, knowing that it might not be the best method of healing for everyone; and, therefore, should not be the ultimate goal for every psychonaut (aka a person experimenting with psychedelics and/or other altered states of consciousness to better limn reality).
Like I said, I’ve personally experienced a plethora of psychedelic journeys, and have only once (my most recent experience, at the time of writing) experienced a true ego death. Was it my most healing psychedelic journey? Far from it. Did it alter my sense of reality in a sustained way? Not really. Did I find immense meaning from it nonetheless? Absolutely (underline, bold, highlight - yes, absolutely). But, I can’t say I’m seeing much change in myself because of it. I have much conjecture as to why this is (to put it in a mushroom-flavored nutshell: my psychonaut days are many, so this wasn’t a novel concept, nor was it unexpected); but, for now, I’ll leave you with this attempt at effing the ineffable.