The following is an interview I had with a very insightful teenager during mid-May (almost two months into the COVID-19 shelter-in-place order). She reflected on an epiphany she had regarding happiness vs. infatuation/excitement. She gave me permission to post this, but wished to remain anonymous.
You said that since sheltering-in-place, you’ve realized that what you thought was happiness before was actually just infatuation. Now you know what true happiness is. Can you explain the difference?
I record my mood everyday, and I noticed the difference when I saw that I’d only listed happy for two days in the last few weeks. Comparing those days to what I’ve been feeling the last few days, I realized it’s quite a different feeling. What I used to think was happiness was actually just infatuation. I would feel momentarily ‘happy’ because of some external factor like a show I would be playing (I’m a musician) or a crush I had. ‘Happiness’ was based on approval I would get from other people, from either performing well or flirting with a crush. But now that I’ve been sheltering-in-place, all of those external things have been removed. I have only myself. At first, it was really boring, and I just tried to sleep it all away. But then I discovered a deeper happiness that made me realize what true happiness was instead of just infatuation.
Can you say more about how happiness feels compared to infatuation? What was infatuation like?
It all came down to other people. It was about showing off, getting approval from others. It felt like an addiction. I always had to have something to look forward to, and once that thing passed, I had to find the next thing to look forward to — the next opportunity to show off and get approval. It was an endless cycle: I’d look forward to something, do the thing, feel temporarily ‘happy,’ but then I’d get moody until I found the next thing to look forward to.
Even if it was something healthy like performing music, it was unhealthy because my self-esteem was based on getting approval from an external source. Whether it was performing or a crush on a boy, the approval could all be taken away. It felt tainted, and impure.
And happiness? What does that feel like?
Now, I’m happy with who I am. And not because some boy or an audience is giving me approval. I’m happy with myself, and that’s all that matters — I’m not chasing approval from anyone anymore.
Now that the cycle has been forced to stop (I can’t play any shows or see anyone in person, let alone a boy I have a crush on), there’s nothing to look forward to. Infatuation was always because of this or that — but that’s not what happiness is at all. Happiness is something deeper, that doesn’t come from anyone else, and can’t be taken away by anyone else.
Now, happiness doesn’t feel temporary anymore — no longer like an hour glass with sand coming out.
It’s not like I’ll always feel this way all day everyday, but I know I can always go back to this.
How has this shift affected your self-esteem?
I used to have body image issues, but I don’t anymore. It wasn’t bad before, but little things I used to want to change no longer bother me. I’m also spending less time on social media, so I’m comparing myself less to everyone else.
Why did you decide to spend less time on social media?
It felt bad for me — like I was eating a bunch of Doritos. When I'm done I'm left with dust on my fingers and body issues.
How has this shift affected your social life?
Now I control who I talk to. I’ve lost attachment to people who created bad environments for me, i.e., friends who weren’t good for me; but, especially crushes. When you have a crush, you spend time thinking about them, imagining your life with them, day dreaming of being with them. You don’t want to give up on a crush because the hope of being with them feels so good; but, once you give it up, you experience real freedom.
You make it sound so easy! How do you stop thinking about a crush?
It was hard at first, but when I decided I didn’t want him to have that hold over me, I told myself to stop day dreaming and hoping and thinking about him before going to bed. When I let go of the hope, I just stopped envisioning my life with him and envisioned my life without him.
It wasn’t easy, but it also wasn’t as hard as I’d thought it would be. It kind of has to happen naturally. Out of sight, out of mind is really a thing. That does a lot of work for you until you can finally realize that you have lived on without [him] for that long and been fine. Also, letting go of wanting things to happen for the sake of not disappointing the coincidences that got you there. I always want to think that just because the slimmest of chances/great coincidence got me here, I owe it to the fabric of the universe to make it happen. The truth is, the fabric of the universe will strike again, though it is hard to believe that there will be other opportunities. I just have to claim my internal locus of control and realize that I make coincidence. I make opportunities. It does not have to be in the hands of someone else, though it very well may be.
What do you wish you could tell past-you?
Imagine your life in the bigger picture. Your aspirations and your life are bigger than a boy. I, without a doubt, look back at the person I was when I put so much importance into all of these boys and hate the person I was. I wish I could scream at myself and tell me to stop. And this me was only about 2 months ago too! Eventually you snap out of it, I'm guessing. It's fun as a side game but I never want a boy to have that much control over my life again. I'm not swearing off boys of course, but I will not go back to the person I was before.
That’s powerful. How is it looking back on that past version of yourself?
I never want to go back. If [shelter-in-place] didn’t happen, I’d probably be living like that for a long time. I didn’t realize it was happening when it was happening. It was so gradual. This year, I started to realize I’m not happy unless I’m looking forward to something. Otherwise I’m numb, emotionless, and crabby or in a bad mood. So many external factors controlled my mood by junior year, I was totally at the mercy of everything happening to me.
I wish I could go back and tell myself, "This is gonna happen, but don’t let it control you. Infatuation is not real happiness."
If you remove the person, are you still gonna be happy? If not, then it’s not true happiness, it’s just excitement. Happiness is about yourself.